Paul and Linda’s story of love and life through grief
Linda and Paul met for the first time at a Stepping Stones group, following the loss of their respective partners, Reg and Lydia.
Linda had already been attending for a few months when Paul joined. During the monthly meetings, they gravitated to one another, sitting together and sharing their grief experiences.
Linda: We called Paul ‘the gobby one’. He was always the one to start us off at the groups, because everyone else was too shy to speak first.
Paul: When we were asked how the last month had been, I always answered the same: “It’s been crap.” Because that was the truth, there’s no use not saying it how it is. For a long time, that’s how it was. I was in a real state when I started those groups, but it started getting better.
When it came Linda’s time to leave the group sessions, she offered to be that friend on the end of the phone for anyone that needed it.
Linda: I knew how long the weeks between the groups had felt for me, so I told the volunteer running our group to offer my phone number to anyone who needed someone to talk to in between. In the end, there was three of us – Paul, myself and another lady. We would call each other, and then gradually started meeting up for coffees and walks.
Eventually, Linda and Paul began to find comfort in their shared experiences. They started as ‘grief buddies’, talking on the phone, meeting up for a coffee occasionally, and this turned into friendship.
Linda: We spoke for hours on the phone to each other, almost every day. We would send each other music, quotes, book and TV recommendations, and all the things we found that meant something to us in our grief, and we would share that with each other.
We found our lifestyle choices were so similar, our interests aligned, and, of course, we shared our experience of grief. In the end, we’re just ordinary people. We’re not cruisers, we don’t gallivant around on holidays – a homemade shepherd’s pie at the local cafe, and we’re happy for a day! It sounds boring, but it just works for us. To spend our later years together, and just enjoy being in each other’s company.
Paul: That’s what I had missed the most after Lydia died. Having someone to bounce things off, to spend your evenings with, to hold hands. I could keep myself busy for a day – sometimes I’d just go out and ride the bus all day, just to get out of the house. But it’s the evenings when you feel most alone.
Over the following year, their friendship turned into something deeper.
Paul: We fell in love! Although it took Linda a while to pick up on my subliminal messages.
Linda: Paul would send me YouTube links to such beautiful love songs, but I didn’t pick up on what he was really trying to say to start with. But when I did, we both knew it was right for us.
Paul: We’re so lucky that we came together at a time when we were both ready, and both on the same page.
They both took things slowly to start with, whilst their families navigated their own grief, but it soon became obvious that Linda and Paul were good for each other.
Linda: My daughter would say, “Mum’s laughing and joking, and wearing dresses. What’s happened?” They could see a change in me, and see how happy Paul made me, which helped them accept that my life was moving on.
Paul: Our families get on together so well. I have two children, and two grandchildren, and Linda has four children and eight grandchildren, so it was a worry for us both when we started our relationship. But we get on so well, we’ve spent Christmases with each other, and been invited to each other’s family events.
Everyone we speak to – friends, family, other Stepping Stones members – they are all so happy for us, and pleased to hear we’ve found each other. At my last Stepping Stones group, I told everyone that it would be my last session because I’d found someone, and that someone was Linda; the whole group cheered and clapped. There was so much love and support in the room.
The coming together of their lives culminated in a special moment on Linda’s birthday in 2024, when Paul proposed.
Linda: I did say yes! Now we’re just taking our time – going at a pace that suits us and our families.
Paul: When you’re in the deep depths of grief, you don’t think there’s anything afterwards, or anything to look forward to, but there is. We’re proof of that. We’re so happy, we spend our lives laughing and joking with each other, and it’s because of the hospice.
Linda: We’ve learnt to live with our grief, and we often talk about Lydia and Reg. It doesn’t go away, but you learn to manage it and weave your life around the grief.
A short while after Linda and Paul stopped attending Stepping Stones groups together, they were invited by Simone, Stepping Stones Coordinator, to come back in and train as volunteers themselves to run a new peer-led bereavement support group called Stepping Forward.
Linda: Paul is very empathetic, kind and gentle, and that was noticed by the volunteers running the Stepping Stones groups when we were attending. He would always keep an eye on everyone in the group, and go to the people who seemed to be struggling, or who looked like they needed someone to talk to. The Stepping Stones volunteers, and Simone, recognised that at the time, so when they invited Paul to come in, and me too, we jumped at the chance.
Paul: It’s really strengthened our relationship, being able to volunteer together. We spend all our time together – except when we’re at work during the day – so to come here and do this together as well really works for us. We’ve been running the fortnightly groups since February, and we love it.
Linda spoke about how supported they both feel to run the groups, which reflects the continual support the hospice has given them both throughout their journeys.
Linda: We’ve been on courses to prepare us for running the fortnightly Stepping Forward group – we’re really supported by the hospice to facilitate these groups, and help the people attending understand their grief. We’ve been supported all the way through, from our own grief experiences, and now to giving back and helping people who are going through the same things.
Paul: The hospice helped us immensely when we needed them. We often wonder where we’d be if not for Pilgrims. Now, it’s a spiritual home for both of us. When you walk in those doors, you feel their arms wrap around. It’s a lovely place, full of hope.
Linda: When we come to the hospice, we’re happy. It’s not about death here, it’s about living. And it’s so nice to give back to the hospice, for everything it’s given us. It really is part of our family, part of us. It grows with us, we grow with it. We’ve developed as human beings, and as a couple, only because of the support and care and kindness we’ve experienced at the hospice.
They both love coming back to the hospice, to give some of the support they experienced to those now going through the same things.
Paul: Every fortnight, we look forward to the group session, wanting to know who will be there, and excited to be there alongside them as they explore their grief and share with each other in such a compassionate environment.
Linda: The group is so welcoming to new members, so compassionate to one another, it’s a pleasure to see how they support one another and form their own friendships and support networks. There’s a lot of positivity in the group. As volunteers, we aren’t there to share our grief, but to facilitate their conversations, and give them the space to share their experiences. We do share that we are together, and met through Stepping Stones, to give that little beacon of hope that there is life beyond the grief.
Paul: Stepping Stones is the only reason we’ve met, we owe it all to the hospice, and we want to give back in whatever way we can. We’re so lucky that we get to come here, and help others like us, and we just want to do more.
Linda: This place saved our lives, people don’t realise how valuable it is. There’s so much peripheral support that the hospice gives to people, and everyone should know what’s available and how they can help.
For a glimpse of where it all began, and to see what a difference time has made for Linda, you can read her Always Caring story, including an (anonymous) cameo from Paul, as her fellow Stepping Stones attendee, summing up what the sessions mean to him.
For more information about bereavement support available or to access any of our services, please call us on 01233 504 127 or email [email protected].
