9th January 2020

    How to plan a funeral on a budget

    Dealing with the death of a loved one can be very difficult, no matter what your circumstances are. The rising cost of funerals means many families simply don’t have the money to cover the cost.

    Abi Oborne, former Education Officer at Pilgrims Hospices, looks at the options available to plan a funeral on a budget.


    At Pilgrims, we want to help those in our community access all the information they need to help them deal with issues around death and dying, no matter their financial circumstances.

    I hope that this blog can give some simple ideas of how a funeral can be more affordable, helping to point families in the right direction in terms of seeking more in-depth support and advice.

    It’s important to remember that how much you spend on someone’s funeral is not a measure of how much they are loved or valued by you.

    Abi Oborne, Pilgrims Hospices

    In 2018, the average price of a funeral was around £3,757; many families in Britain are struggling to meet the cost. It can be particularly difficult when a death is sudden or unexpected, or when a family are already struggling on a low income but still want to give their loved one the best send-off they can manage. Here are some ideas for keeping the cost of a funeral down and what you can do if you’re unable to pay for a funeral.

    Money isn’t everything

    First of all, it’s important to remember that how much you spend on someone’s funeral is not a measure of how much they are loved or valued by you. There are ways that you can celebrate their life without getting into debt and there is help out there to guide you.

    A first step might be to phone the Down to Earth advice helpline who can talk you through your options if you are struggling to finance a funeral. You can contact them on 020 8983 5055.

    If there are no funds at all to pay for a funeral

    If somebody dies and no one is able to pay for their funeral, it is the local authority’s responsibility to carry out a burial or cremation. This will generally be an unattended simple burial in a council-owned and managed cemetery. Some local authorities will use a crematorium instead of burial. In most cases, the grave will be unmarked, the burial unattended and there could be some delay in arrangements.

    To find out more about this option it is best to contact your local council.

    The Children’s Funeral Fund

    There are specific funds available to help cover some of the cost of a child’s funeral if they were under 18. Check out the UK government’s Children’s Funeral Fund webpage for more information.

    Getting a grant to help cover costs

    There is a grant available from the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) to help families on benefits pay for a funeral. Families can receive up to £1,300 depending on their circumstances. You can find out more about whether you might be eligible for this help on the UK government’s website.

    Asking friends and family to help cover the cost

    There is no shame in asking others to help and it is quite common now for people to set up online fundraisers to help in paying for a funeral. You could set up a GoFundMe memorial fundraising page and ask for people to contribute to the costs instead of sending floral tributes. People are often glad to help in some way and would like to support you.

    Burial or cremation?

    Burials cost considerably more than cremations; depending on your location and the services available, a burial can cost around £1,000 more. According to moneyadviceservice.org.uk, the average cost for a funeral involving a burial is £4,267 whereas the average cost for a funeral with a cremation is £3,247.

    It’s worth looking at different options for burials. There are now many natural burial grounds that have reasonable prices and offer tree saplings, wildflowers or carved wooden markers for graves instead of more expensive headstones. These options also reduce the cost of grave maintenance for family members and loved ones.

    Separating the burial or cremation from the service or celebration of life

    Another way that families can keep costs down is by separating the celebration of the person’s life / their funeral service from the actual burial or cremation. A cremation can be unattended (this is called a direct cremation) and then the celebration or service can be held with the returned ashes instead of the coffin.

    Direct cremation (Cost: £1,000 – £2,000)

    In a direct cremation, your loved one’s body is taken to the crematorium in a simple coffin and their ashes are returned to you. The cremation will be unattended, and the time and day will be chosen by the crematorium, not by you.

    A direct cremation is now widely offered by local funeral directors but does vary in price quite considerably, so it’s best to phone around to find out how much each will charge for a direct cremation and exactly what is included in that price. Ask if the price is totally inclusive or if there will be anything extra to pay for. This is a job you could ask a friend to do for you / with you as it can be quite overwhelming reading through a breakdown of prices, and it can also be hard to have to explain your situation over and over again. Lots of funeral directors offer a breakdown of their prices on their website so you can see quite clearly what you are paying for.

    There are also some national companies that offer a direct cremation service. They will generally pick up your loved one’s body from the hospital or your home within a short period of time and return their ashes in around a week, although it is best to speak to the company directly about the details.

    Celebration of life / memorial service

    If the burial or cremation of the body is separate from the celebration or memorial service, the latter could then take place anywhere from a person’s home or garden to a local church or function room at a favourite pub, village hall or outdoor venue. This could essentially work as a service and wake combined, by doing something as simple as a celebration at home with the person’s favourite meal and a chance to chat over old photos. Or it could be a service led by a friend, family member, local vicar or celebrant. Your local vicar would hold a funeral or celebration service with the person’s ashes in your local church and the cost would be around £200.

    The more you can do yourself, or by asking for help from friends and family, the more the costs can be kept to an affordable level. People often rally to help when somebody dies; some might get in touch and say, ‘Is there anything I can do?’ At this point, you could say yes and ask if they can bake a cake or make a tray of sandwiches to bring to the celebration. A friend with a computer and printer could help with the order of services and invitations to the celebration or could send invites out for you via text or email.

    DIY funeral

    Some people decide that they would like to arrange their loved one’s whole funeral themselves. This will include care of the body and transporting the body to the place of burial or crematorium, which can be done using an estate car or a larger vehicle. There will also be a lot of paperwork to manage. This option cuts out the cost of a funeral director entirely and will save you a great deal of money, however you will need some support to manage everything. Although DIY funerals are not very common, they can be done. Resources and advice are available from the Natural Death Centre if you would like to find out more about this option.

    A traditional funeral: How to keep the cost down

    After looking at all the options, you may decide on a more traditional funeral. This will cost around £3,500 or more depending on what your wishes are. To keep the costs manageable, it is a good idea to compare the prices and services of several different funeral directors to see what you feel most comfortable with. Be direct with the funeral director about what your budget is and don’t feel pressured to spend more than you can afford.

    You could keep things very simple – no extra cars, just ask people to meet at the funeral venue. Instead of floral tributes, perhaps everyone could bring one bloom to place on the coffin in the service. You could ask friends and family to help you put on a simple funeral tea at home after the service.

    Ask for help and support

    Ultimately, don’t feel you have to plan a funeral on your own. There is support and advice out there to help you manage this. Invite a friend over to make the tea while you call advice lines and get all the information you can.

    Remember: You are not alone if you’re struggling with the cost of a funeral.

    Abi

    A note from Abi:

    “When researching this blog, I spoke to several local funeral directors and services. They were all very understanding and not at all judgemental about the difficulties many families face when paying for a funeral. Most were happy to talk openly about money and to be flexible with the services they can offer.

    Remember: You are not alone if you’re struggling with the cost of a funeral.

    This is a problem we face as a whole society, due to families trying to get by on lower incomes whilst managing the rising costs of living. The price of a funeral has increased dramatically in the last ten years. With fewer people able to save and buy property, or having to use the value of their property to pay for their care, budgeting for a funeral and knowing your options will become ever more important.”


    Abi Oborne was the former Education Officer at Pilgrims Hospices.

    The views reflected here are her own.


    Resources:


    There’s much more to death than we think; what if it isn’t just an ending, but an event we can plan for? Thinking beyond the four walls of hospices and hospitals, we have the chance to approach it with confidence and plan a good death. After Wards is a collection of insights and ideas from people who can help us all to re-imagine this essential part of life, and to live well until we die.

    Continue the conversation at our Time to Talk events with film screenings, poetry readings, Death Cafes and much more. 

    14th August 2019

    The Life of Death: A beautiful meditation on living and dying

    The Life of Death is a short animation that follows Life, personified as a doe, as it encounters Death, a ghostly character who nevertheless turns out to be kind, caring and compassionate. Initially fearful, the doe tries to avoid death, but finally comes to accept its essential relationship to life and recognises that this is natural, not scary.

    Here, animator Marsha Onderstijn explains how she came to make the film and why she chose to focus on the universal themes of life and death.


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    The Life of Death from Marsha Onderstijn on Vimeo

     

    Why did you want to make an animation about life and death?

    The Life of Death was my graduation film at the AKV St. Joost Art Academy in the Netherlands. I decided on the theme of life and death, because it is such a universal topic. Even without any dialogue in the animation, it would be recognisable to anyone in the world. I wanted to express my own views on life and death by packing it up in a small and, hopefully, endearing story.

    Death is a theme that has been endlessly explored in art, religion and philosophy. Very often, death is portrayed as something scary and evil, but even as a child I could never understand why people were so afraid of death.

    To me, death is simply part of life.

    That is why I decided to make Death the protagonist of my animation, which gave me the ability to show him in a different light. I wanted the audience to relate to Death, to feel for him and wonder if maybe he isn’t all that bad.

    Do you think nature and the natural world can help us to process and understand death?

    I think so!

    Death happens all around us in nature, all the time. To me personally, there is a lot of acceptance of death in nature, because it seems it is simply part of life.

    How has The Life of Death been received since its release?

    I’m amazed at the incredible response The Life of Death has gotten. To this day, I still get messages from people all over the world, writing about how my animation has changed their view on death, or how it helped them grieve, or how it made them be less scared of death. Some people have played it at their funeral. Some people use it in class to help discuss death with children.

    Marsha Onderstijn

    It is humbling and amazing, because I would never have thought my animation could have such an impact.

    What is your best life advice, given that death is inevitable?

    I think one can only talk in clichés when it comes to life advice, but that doesn’t mean they’re not true: Be kind to yourself and others. Do what you love. Be yourself. And enjoy the NOW!


    Marsha Onderstijn is an animator from the Netherlands. She studied Animation at the St. Joost Kunstacademie in Breda, specialising in 2D animation. Since graduating in 2012, she has worked as a freelance animator and storyboard artist on both commercial and independent projects.


    There’s much more to death than we think; what if it isn’t just an ending, but an event we can plan for? Thinking beyond the four walls of hospices and hospitals, we have the chance to approach it with confidence and plan a good death. After Wards is a collection of insights and ideas from people who can help us all to re-imagine this essential part of life, and to live well until we die.

    Continue the conversation at our Time to Talk events with film screenings, poetry readings, Death Cafes and much more. 

    9th May 2019

    The Big Conversation: A day-long arts festival on death and dying

    Pilgrims Hospices will host a mini arts festival on Saturday 18 May at its education centre on London Road, Canterbury.

    It will bring together local community groups, artists, health professionals and businesses to run a series of interactive workshops, talks and information stalls, all designed to encourage reflection and conversation around death, dying and bereavement.


    Talking about death and dying isn’t easy, and yet for those of us who have ever planned a funeral, lost someone they really loved or been confronted by their own mortality, we know that not being able to talk about it can be even harder.

    That’s why the Pilgrims Hospices education team are hosting The Big Conversation, a day-long arts festival on Saturday 18 May that will bring together a range of local organisations and groups putting on a series of workshops, talks and an information fair, all designed to get people talking about death and dying.

    The festival will form part of a wider national programme of events for Dying Matters Awareness Week 2019. This is a national campaign that aims to help people talk more openly about dying, death and bereavement and to make plans for the end of life.

    The information fair will be open all day from 10am – 5pm and workshops are scheduled throughout the day at the Ann Robertson Centre, next door to the main hospice on London Road, Canterbury.

    Find out more and book tickets


    Come along to the information fair to meet and chat to representatives from:

    • Barham Crematorium – Local crematorium staff will run a stand to answer any questions or queries you have about cremation services.
    • Holly’s Funerals – Contemporary funeral directors working throughout Kent and Sussex.
    • Ecoffins – Manufacturers of eco-friendly coffins and urns.
    • Essentially Hops – Family-run florist based in Bekesbourne.
    • Kent Natural Burials – Talk to representatives from local natural burial grounds.
    • Death doulas – Meet those working as death doulas who offer non-medical support to those facing the end of life.
    • Humanist celebrants – Conductors and writers of non-religious ceremonies including funerals.
    • Community nursing team – Meet the community nurses from Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust and find out about the support they can offer.
    • Boys & Maughan and Girlings law firms – Bring your legal questions and queries around wills, probate and power of attorney.
    • Pilgrims Hospices team and the Stepping Stones bereavement project – Find out about the support Pilgrims can offer to those living with a terminal condition and their families.

    Entry to the information fair is free and staff and volunteers will be running a pop-up cafe at the education centre, selling teas, coffees and homemade cake throughout the day.

    Wendy Hills, Director of Nursing and Care Services at Pilgrims Hospices, said:

    “We want to engage with our local communities, using the creative arts to open up the conversation about death and dying. We hope that through our community engagement, we can help people to feel more comfortable in thinking about death and dying, and enable families, friends and communities to talk about their fears, beliefs and wishes.”

    Listen to Mandy Williams from Pilgrims’ education team on Academy FM Thanet talking all things Dying Matters Awareness Week 2019:

    The Big Conversation is kindly sponsored by Holly’s Funerals.

    Pilgrims Hospices host community events throughout the year for the general public, aiming to open up the conversation about death and dying; with film screenings, poetry readings and Death Cafes and much more, there’s something for everyone.

    Visit pilgrimshospices.org/timetotalk to find out more.


    If you or someone you know is coping with a life limiting illness and you think you may benefit from Pilgrims free services, talk to your GP or Healthcare Professional about your options or click here to read about our Wellbeing and Social Programme.

    Cry, Heart, But Never Break: Talking to children about life, love and loss

    Cry, Heart, But Never Break is a children’s book that explores death, dying and grief through three young children – Nels, Sonia and Kasper – whose beloved grandmother dies. When Death arrives, he helps them to understand that although loss is sad, it is also a natural part of life.

    Here, author Glenn Ringtved explains why he wrote the book and how it can be helpful for parents and children.


    How have your own views on death, dying and grief been shaped?

    I don’t have any special qualifications to talk about death. I am just a person who wrote a children’s book, based on some emotions I experienced when I lost my mother. As a young person, I guess you don’t spend much time thinking about death. And you shouldn’t. I believe we are supposed to live our lives in the best possible way, and we are not supposed to know much about death. It’s one of the mysteries of life. We need those. It’s just there, it’s inevitable.

    I did have a period, around my 30th  year, where many people around me died, including my mother. You start thinking about it when it is present. But then you have to let go again and live your life.

    What inspired you to write a children’s book about death?

    I wrote this book when my mother was very sick from cancer. She was 54 when she died. I went to the hospital with her the day they told her that they could do nothing more for her. Afterwards, we went home and talked about it. Of course, we were both very sad, but she said this: “Cry, heart, but never break”. It was her way of comforting me and explaining that it was okay to be sad, but that I had to remember life goes on. When I came home that night, I was laying in bed thinking about how to explain this to my own kids. I wrote the story the same night – not to make a book, but just to have some way to start talking to my kids about death. Later, it became a book.

    In Cry, Heart, But Never Break, the children experience grief through their elderly grandmother dying, a process that is often considered normal and natural when grandparents reach old age.

    Can the book be helpful for children experiencing other forms of grief, such as that triggered by the death of a parent or sibling?

    Yes, I think this book can be useful when kids experience any kind of loss, even their pets, which can be extremely painful. I remember losing my dog when I was 11 and I just couldn’t get over it. The book could have been about anyone or anything, I just used the grandmother because that was what my kids and myself could relate to in that moment.

    Children are intelligent people. They have eyes and ears, and they see and feel what is going on around them. They know that death is there and they will experience it sooner or later, so it is important that we talk about death. If you see a dead bird lying in the garden, talk about it and make a little funeral.

    Glenn Ringtved

    Why do you think it’s important to talk about death?

    Well, as the book says, death is a natural part of life, so the more we are able to talk about it in a natural way, the easier it is to deal with it when we experience it.

    How do you hope the book will be utilised by different audiences – children, professionals and others?

    It is a book that is written about emotions, it was how I felt it and needed to express myself. I hope that shines through the text. I hope parents will take the book down from the shelf and have a talk with their kids afterwards, and not just use it as a goodnight reading. It’s not that kind of book, and it is not for children to read alone.

    Have you heard about any ways it has already been useful for people?

    It is 17 years since I wrote the book and it was published in Denmark, so I don’t remember too much about the reaction. But I know that it has been used at church services in the USA, I have seen some on YouTube, although it is not a religious book. I am happy that the book is used all over the world, regardless of what religion people have. I didn’t think in a religious way at all, but I know people are very happy about it and are using it widely.

    Alongside books like Cry, Heart, But Never Break, what more can be done to make death less scary for children, as well as for ourselves?

    It is important to remember that children are intelligent people. They have eyes and ears, and they see and feel what is going on around them. They know that death is there and they will experience it sooner or later, so it is important that we talk about death. If you see a dead bird lying in the garden, talk about it and make a little funeral. We just need to accept death and not be afraid of addressing it.


    Cry, Heart, But Never Break is written by Glenn Ringtved and translated into English by Robert Moulthrop, with illustrations by Charlotte Pardi.

    If you’re interested in books on death and bereavement for children and young adults, you might enjoy these other great titles:

    • Slog’s Dad and The Savage by Mark Almond
    • A Sky of Diamonds by Camille Gibs
    • Falling Out of Time by David Gossman
    • The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
    • Ten Sorry Tales by Mick Jackson
    • The Heart and the Bottle by Oliver Jeffers
    • The Brothers Lionheart by Astrid Lindgren
    • We Were Liars by Emily Lockhart
    • The Scar by Charlotte Moundlic
    • The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson
    • A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness
    • Mum’s Jumper by Jayde Perkin
    • Fox & Goldfish by Nils Pieters
    • My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece by Annabel Pitcher
    • Michael Rosen’s Sad Book by Michael Rosen
    • Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley
    • Goodbye Grandma by Melanie Walsh
    • The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
    • The Cat Mummy by Jacqueline Wilson

    There’s much more to death than we think; what if it isn’t just an ending, but an event we can plan for? Thinking beyond the four walls of hospices and hospitals, we have the chance to approach it with confidence and plan a good death. After Wards is a collection of insights and ideas from people who can help us all to re-imagine this essential part of life, and to live well until we die.

    Continue the conversation at our Time to Talk events with film screenings, poetry readings, Death Cafes and much more. 

    25th April 2019

    Why don’t we talk about death?

    Death is something that everyone will experience, yet many of us are afraid to talk about it.

    Andrew Thorns, Director of Medicine at Pilgrims Hospices, explores why this might be and shares what can be gained from having this important conversation.


    Death is something we don’t really think about, although I suppose I do as I work with dying people all the time and have done for more than 20 years. But why don’t we think and talk about death? Because we’re fearful of what it will be like? Because we are not sure what happens after? Because it challenges our beliefs, or it causes pain to those we love?

    All are very relevant concerns and there are many others, but perhaps there is something deeper. Perhaps there is something as part of our evolution as a species, something within our make-up, that means as soon as any connection to death comes our way our behaviour and attitudes change. So instead of thinking ahead, planning, deciding what is important to us and making rational decisions about our healthcare, we put it all on the back burner.

    We need to trust that talking and thinking about death doesn’t make death happen. When we’ve overcome this, the biggest fear, what more is there to worry about? Once we have planned for the worst, we can continue to hope for and achieve the best.

    Dr Andrew Thorns

    Sheldon Soloman and death anxiety

    These thoughts had often gone through my mind, and were reinforced when reading the work of Sheldon Solomon, a US social psychologist. He gave an excellent talk at the Hospice UK conference in 2015. Briefly, his theory goes: According to Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, in order to evolve as a species we needed to strive to stay alive. However, at some point in this evolution we became aware that we are going to die and there is nothing we can do to avoid this. For our early predecessors, this would have caused terror and fear, and they were left trying to manage these feelings.

    They did this, and we continue to do so, in various ways:

    • We believe that some piece of ourself can live on after death. This manifests either as part of a religious faith, where one believes they will gain immortality in an afterlife, or by leaving behind a legacy, for example through their children or by recording their life story before they die.
    • We look for ways to achieve a life that has meaning and value.
    • We keep thoughts of death far from the front of our minds. Distracting ourselves with other day to day activites: ‘tranquilising with trivia’, as Solomon puts it.

    Solomon and his colleagues confirmed this in a series of experiments. When interviewing people in front of cemeteries, funeral homes and other locations that evoke reminders of death, their behaviour and attitudes changed – even when the triggers were subliminal, with the person unaware of them. These behavioural changes were wide-ranging, including:

    • Sticking with likeminded individuals and distancing themselves from others
    • Support for war and suicide bombers
    • Change in voting preferences towards previously unpopular politicians
    • Distancing themselves from animals and nature

    Overall, subjects in the experiment tended to prefer things that were familiar to them, and they distanced themselves from the thought of being close to animals.

    How can these insights help us? We should consider it from three perspectives: individuals, society and the hospice movement.

    How can we start to talk about death?

    As individuals, we need to recognise that if we can get over this reflex fear of all things associated with death, then we can live better lives – we need to trust that talking and thinking about death doesn’t make death happen. When we’ve overcome this, the biggest fear, what more is there to worry about? Once we have planned for the worst, we can continue to hope for and achieve the best.

    After all, it’s not just about a good death, but also living well until you die.

    Dr Andrew Thorns

    If this approach to the taboo of death became embedded in society, we would all benefit from the open conversations that would result. Decisions about healthcare and treatment would be more in line with individual peoples’ wishes This would remove pressure from their families who, in turn, would be better supported. Resources could be utilised more effectively and directed at what was most important to the individual. The fear associated with the word ‘hospice’ would disappear, and patients needing hospice support would be referred earlier, enabling them to experience greater benefit.

    The importance of hospice care

    So, what do hospices do? Despite many people thinking that they are places where people spend the last few days of their lives they actually do much more than this.  You may have heard that hospices can also improve comfort, ease symptoms and support families through difficult times. This they certainly do, but their most important and impressive achievement is enabling people to get over the fear of death and carry on living well. How do hospices do this? By helping to build a container of care around that person and their family. Why is this needed? When faced with the horrible, dark fear of death, the frightened soul or spirit tries, quite reasonably, to keep away from it.

    Rather than this fearful soul left to confront this daunting prospect alone, a container of care is needed that fits carefully to that person’s needs and enables a smoother journey and adjustment to what is ahead. A hospice can build this around the person and those close to them, so that they can face up to the initial fear and keep on living well despite this knowledge.

    After all, it’s not just about a good death, but also living well until you die.

    Andrew Thorns

    Andrew Thorns is Director of Medicine at Pilgrims Hospices, the largest hospice charity in east Kent, UK. He strongly believes in the importance of research and skilled communication to improve patient care.

    The views reflected here are his own.


    There’s much more to death than we think; what if it isn’t just an ending, but an event we can plan for? Thinking beyond the four walls of hospices and hospitals, we have the chance to approach it with confidence and plan a good death. After Wards is a collection of insights and ideas from people who can help us all to re-imagine this essential part of life, and to live well until we die.

    Continue the conversation at our Time to Talk events with film screenings, poetry readings, Death Cafes and much more. 

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